[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.