Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”