“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
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Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
That’s incredible! 👌
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
black phone good
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.