so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
it be like that
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I think about this a lot
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”