Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that