Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You Might Also Like
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”