What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
welp
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.