One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
What the hell happened in there??
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Autocarrot sucks!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
And they lived apathetically ever after.