Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you