[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.