Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Thursday
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend