if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
#Thanos #MondayMood