[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.