idk flipping houses looks really hard
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My chiropractor is a crack addict.