If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
😂😂😂
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!