I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The Struggle
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.