I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage