major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Good Morning.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.