Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
so weird how every mom was born today
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here