I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
You Might Also Like
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Meeeee too!
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal