This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Is this the real life?
Is this just
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
my sentiments exactly
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough