booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.