PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
You Might Also Like
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕