tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*