you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Bootstraps
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
two people or more is called a problem
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!