[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
#ParentingFacts
I need a headline like this
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .