*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.