the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
You Might Also Like
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”