I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.