Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.