*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Y’all ready for this
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I told my vodka about you.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
when there are deer in the woods
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*