o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.