Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Canadian owl: Eh?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing