me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
You Might Also Like
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I just love that new Pope smell.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.