I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.