i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I hate everything
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.