This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
How dramatic are you?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.