The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
an octopus is just a wet spider