skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.