My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
LOL!
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
The opposite of Iceland is water water
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister