her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE