Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Only short people can save us
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.