Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
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