Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.