Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Cndnsd Mlk
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here