They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I’m too immature for adultery.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there