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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car