My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon