3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
You Might Also Like
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!