Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you